I hate Pluto. I always have. So you can imagine my delight when I read that Pluto is officially no longer a planet. At least for now. For some reason some people are very upset about this. Astronomers are upset because the definition of "planet" that tossed Pluto out is kind of ambiguous. The common man is upset because the common man is overly sentimental about in-animate, non-sentient objects and so thinks that Pluto should be given honorary status as a planet because it has always been considered a planet since it was discovered.

Some people besides me are happy that Pluto's finally been called the pip-squeak it really is, right to its face. Some scientists think the new definition of planet is a tang-tingling spanking good one. Publishers are happy because now they get to revise all their textbooks that even hint that Pluto is a planet and schools everywhere have to buy the new editions or risk losing their funding for teaching bad science.

Which brings us today's topic: What is Science?

Strictly speaking, science is knowledge. This is a meaningless, so people invent the meaning of the word "science" as they see fit for their particular ends.

Some people think science is "a systematic method of attaining knowledge by verifiable means." These people are stupid and wrong.

Some people think science is "an instrument for attaining political ends." These people are close to the truth.

Others think science is "a trick of the devil." These people are scary.

Still others think science is "fairly reasonable ideas revealed serendipitously during a weekend binge to graduate students skilled at snowing their advisors." These people are staff at major U.S. universities.

Maybe some say science is "studyin' stuff." I like these people, but they're wrong, too.

Alot of people seem to think science is "reasonable sounding ideas formed by anyone who is not a Christian." These people are called Democrats.

That brings us back to Pluto. Pluto was discovered by Clyde Tombaugh in 1930. Clyde was about 24 years old and didn't have a college degree at the time. I've no doubt Clyde was a very smart man, and people don't have to have college degrees to make scientific discoveries.

But Clyde also claimed to have seen UFOs many times during his life and was a supporter of the Extraterrestrial Hypothesis (the ETH).

I didn't know what what the ETH was, so I read the first paragraph from Wikipedia on the topic, and so know I can rightly claim to be an expert (or scientist) on the subject. The ETH is the hypothesis that UFOs are best explained as creatures from other planets in physical, estraterrestrial vehicles.

Clyde was looking for a theoretical ninth planet when he discovered Pluto in about the right place at about the right time. It was named (officially) by a an 11-year-old girl (Venetia Burney) who was in the right place at the right time and is still alive and so I won't make a joke about her because it is rude to make jokes about people when someone's feelings might get hurt. So I won't speculate on why the Roman god of the Underworld would be the first name to pop into an 11-year-old girl's head.

Though, come to think of it, I remember when I was an 11-year-old girl, and worse things than that popped into my head.

Pluto was too small to be the theoretical planet X, but that didn't matter. This was 1930. The common man needed something to love. Science gave him Pluto. Maybe it was political. Maybe it was a Prohibition binge. Maybe it was a trick of the devil.

No matter the reason it took off, it was not considered bad science to call Pluto a planet. But Clyde wasn't a Christian. He was a Unitarian-Universalist and calling it a planet seemed reasonable, so, hey, it must be science.

In all fairness to Clyde, I'm not saying that he necessarily thought, at the time, that it should be called a planet. And clearly he practiced some impressive science to find it.

On the other hand, maybe Pluto is the mothership ....

Regardless, I think it's clear to see the trouble -- political, personal, social, sexual, intestinal, economic, and scientific -- that Pluto has caused and continues to cause. That's why I propose we blow it up.

It's small -- smaller than Australia -- some paper cups, a few well-placed nukes, and pomegranite juice and the ETs in the mothership will be enjoying rounds of snowcones for years to come courtesy of the ever-improvising Earthlings.

So I propose the formation of an oversight committee to see to the destruction of our mischief-making neighbor: People for the Pulverization of Pluto.

I don't want to be involved, organize, or even guide the PPP. I'm just the idea man. I'm a scientist.