The same holds for ....

... humans. If you put one outside on a balmy summer day, as long as it is relatively still, it will be dry and not at all slimy. On the other hand, on a rainy, warm, summer night, put the same human outside for a moment and then rub its skin with your tentacles, and it will feel slimy and wet.

There's really no surprise in this -- it is obvious. But for clowns there is a deeper significance here, because clowns have tentacles. Clowns also have no sex drive, so a male clown thinking about a the rain-wet skin of a woman on a balmy summer night will be excited only by the fact that she presents a great opportunity to irritate someone with some obnoxious miming. Even if she's naked and ecstatically drinking the warm rain water falling on her upturned mouth open to the roiling sky ... regardless of the rivulets spiraling down and twining around her limbs, finally leaping to the concrete below and swimming away into the shadow behind her, cast by the streetlight painting streaks across the darkness with the rain.

But I digress. Today's topic is, after all, not post-apocalyptic fantasy, but the anatomy of clowns, though post-apocalyptic fantasy would make for a fascinating topic that would, indeed, involve slime and a cornucopia of canned foods.

Clowns don't come from cans, though you can put one into a can and give it to a friend you don't like as a wedding gift.

On our wedding, my wife and I received a set of translucent blue plastic salad bowls. The set came with a serving bowl and utensiles to match. I was horrified by this gift.

When you give a gift for a wedding, you should either try to immensely please (in total -- more on that in a moment) or gruesomely horrify the newlyweds. A moment has arrived: "in total" means that if you take the sum total of the reaction of both members comprising the couple, the reaction equates to "immensely pleased" or "gruesomely horrified." This could mean that female is ambivalent to the chainsaw, but male is so thrilled that a lump of emotion crowds his beer for access to his esophagus. In this case, male's pleasure + female's ambivalence = immensely pleased. It could mean that male is threatened and nauseated by the thought of sleeping under floral bed curtains until death while female is giddy. In this case, male's sickening, hopeless, horror + female's joy = gruesomely horrified.

Contrary to popular belief, males actually feel more intensely than females. That's why men readily rush into battle to kill one another while women merely make nasty innuendos about one another that only another woman, or a clown, could detect as an actual attack.

There is another thing females are wrong about: that men "only want one thing." The truth is, men want two things. One is women and the other is food.

This is what wars are fought over and ... females, I'm sorry to expose your secret ... nasty innuendos uttered over.

Clowns are made of meat. Their bones, however, are not hard like ours. Their bones are soft and flexible, like those short rubbery radio antennas on some cars. That's why clowns can fit so many of themselves in those little clown cars.

Clowns have tentacles. I know, I've seen them. They keep them braided up in four twisty abominations they stick in shirt sleeves and pant legs to look like arms and legs. Clowns wear gloves and oversize shoes to hold their tentacle braids together and make it appear as if they have hands and feet.

What does the singular of "pants" look like?

Despite documentaries to the contrary, clowns don't wear makeup. What you see are their real faces, but not all of their faces. Clowns have multiple faces -- maybe it is more accurate to say that they have more of each kind of facial feature than humans. They wear those comical wigs to cover their additional facial features so as not to horrify humans and give themselves away.

That's why clowns are cranky.

I think the Japanese appreciate naked women in the rain. Clowns are not japanese. I've never seen a naked clown, though I have seen a clown in nothing but his underwear. That's how I know they have tentacles. And that they are warty.

I have a wart on my right calf. It's been there since I lived on the farm, but it is flat, so I don't worry about it. It hasn't changed in over 20 years. If it did change, I'd worry -- I'd worry that clowns had crept into my bedroom at night and injected me with virus laden with a recombinant clown DNA payload in order to transform me into a clown.

I like The Bangles.

Female humans do not have tentacles. Neither do male humans, though some female humans might argue that point. Humans are also not snakes, and to call one a snake is really a terrible insult because God put enmity between humans and snakes and to say that a person is a snake is to say that he or she is forsaken by God and doomed to hell. What you bind on earth will be bound for eternity. So no matter where his tentacles roam, girls, let's not make excessive use of hyperbola and in so doing curse him to eternal damnation. Regardless of the impropriety of copping a thrill, he probably isn't worthy of unfathomable and infinite torture for it.

Like humans, there were originally only two clowns -- a clown and a second clown. Clowns do not reproduce sexually. They have no sex organs. Clowns reproduce by cloning themselves through special asexual nose organs. Deep in the nasal cavities (all 16) of a clown are its reproductive organs where a bizarre biological phonomenon involving recombinant DNA and the production of carcinogens contained by the bombardment of cosmic particles takes place. This is why clown noses are big, round, and red. They are irritated by their own cloning, just as we are irritated by their clowning. Why aren't they all the same, then, you ask? Mutation, you moron. What are you, a clown?

First Was (not Was) walked the dinosaur then they got on the floor and killed the dinosaur. This is because Love is a Battlefield and people can't Not Worry and Be Happy when they are the Owner's of a Lonely Heart.

Clowns are lonely. They were from the start, and that is why they are coming for you, why they want to transform you with their weird science into clowns like them.

Be a hero. Hug a clown, save the world.